There’s one question we always get when Goblins and Growlers does Dungeons and Dragons Q&A panels at conventions. Its wording differs depending from person to person, but the core of it is frustratingly consistent.
“So, I’m having a problem with this one player…”
Maybe that player is antagonizing someone else, in character or otherwise. Perhaps they’re chronically unprepared for the game each week. Or they’re developing a habit of last-minute cancelations and the whole session has to be scrapped.
It’s a bad scene no matter what.
The question itself is completely valid. The asker usually is the game master of their group, a role which, fairly or unfairly, puts them in the position of personnel and project manager for everyone and their fun. My tongue-in-cheek answer is something like “Time to be an adult and talk to them about it.” That’s more or less the truth, though.
They’re hoping we have a sneaky little brain hack that can be deployed against the offender. Some little phrase they can speak which will rewrite their friend’s bad behaviors and again bring harmony to the group.
But guess what? It’s going to take some open and honest communication on your part to smooth out these kinds of interpersonal issues. Here are three things to keep in mind as you think about how to handle it. This advice, however, is predicated on the idea that we’re all adults who can benefit from talking through our problems:
1. Find your inner Vulcan
Interpersonal conflict can be messy and emotional. It’s awkward, especially if the person causing it is a close friend. It might mean becoming more vulnerable than you like. It means you’re going to have to master your emotions.
Vulcans are the stoics of “Star Trek.” They strive for logic and refuse to allow emotions to control them. They’re tremendously emotional beings, though. They just learned to control them. You’ll have to do the same.
When it comes time to address your player’s behavior, you’ll need to do so in measured tones. Advice like “don’t shout” and “no hitting” probably should go without saying. I’m talking about subtleties. Take the edge out of your voice. Leave your sarcasm at home. Try to smile. Make eye contact. Speak slowly and remember to breathe — that last one gets easy to forget when you’re not used to these kinds of conversations.
Basically, you want to come at this objectively. It’s “Bob, we’ve all noticed you’ve been late to the game a lot lately and we’d like to talk about it.“ Not, “Bob, you’re always late to the game and it’s upsetting us.”
Reframing the discussion this way will help you stay emotionally objective. That’s good for you because you’re not getting worked up. It’s good for your player because you’re not getting worked up at them.
2. Empathy, Empathy, Empathy
All of us are sometimes guilty of making ourselves the center of the universe. It’s just how we’re wired. But we also are intelligent enough to know that we’re not and that other people have struggles, too. Care and empathy are the two most important things you need to offer during this conversation.
Behaviors usually have a root cause. Maybe your player’s antagonism or tardiness is just a symptom of something going on in their life. Sick family member? Lost job? End of a relationship? It could be anything — you just don’t know. Here’s one that comes up more often than you’d think: they overcommit and don’t feel like they can bow out. The conversation gives them their out.
I always like to approach these situations from a helper’s perspective.
“Bob, we’ve noticed that you’ve been late to a lot of sessions lately. I wanted to check in with you and make sure everything was OK. You don’t have to tell me what’s going on, but I just wanted to make sure you’re alright.”
You can’t be someone’s therapist, but you can be a friend. Maybe they just needed your permission to talk about what’s bothering them. Sometimes just getting your troubles out into the world is a relief valve.
You can’t find a solution until you know the problem.
3. Know When to Fold ‘Em
And then there are the problems you can’t solve.
There may come a time where it’s evident that someone just doesn’t mesh with your group. Maybe they’re a sour contrarian. Perhaps they just don’t respect you enough to show up on time. Maybe they’re playing Dungeons and Dragons because they want to have fun, not because everyone wants to have fun.
You can’t make people change. You can provide them enough runway to change themselves, but that’s it. It’s time to get rid of your troublemaker. It’s a last resort. Don’t kick out anyone unless you first have made a few efforts to understand what’s causing their behavior and to engage with them about it. But you can’t keep doing that forever.
The sunk-cost fallacy lies by telling us that, because we’ve invested so much time into a thing, we can’t stop or we’ll have wasted all that previously invested time. Now, I’d rather waste four sessions of a game and go on to have 10 more great ones than feel like I wasted 14.
I know someone who had to “fire” his brother-in-law from a campaign. I’m told the experience was… unpleasant. There’s no way around that, even if they’re not your wife’s brother. It will be uncomfortable. I can’t stress this enough. By this point, if you’ve tried everything else, it has to be done.
I’ve been involved in layoffs and firings before. The advice they give you for those situations is applicable here:
- Be direct but not rude.
- State the facts.
- Let them react.
- Empathize.
They’ll probably get upset. They might yell. It’s going to feel like a breakup. Ultimately, everyone will get over it and move on. But you’ll move on with a much more cohesive group and more mature communications skills!
Most problems can be solved if we can talk them through. If they can’t be solved, then at least through talking we’ll understand each other a little better, both as players and as characters.
